"Don't look now, but there is someone over there that is holding a major stare on you." Alicia said during lunch.
"Ugh, not again?! I am sick of his stupid games. Either he hates me or he doesn't. He should really make up his mind." I said, assuming it was Taylor she was talking about. Then, I spotted Taylor sitting on the other end of the cafeteria, talking to a bunch of guys, who I was guessing were his friends.
"I wasn't talking about Taylor." She said in a disgusted voice. "I was talking about his older brother. He seems to like you."
"Ike like me? I don't think so." I said, dismissing the thought immediately from my head. I couldn't be lucky enough to have Isaac like me.
" 'Why not?'? Because he's like my own brother! I could never imagine anything romantic between us. Ew, the thought is kinda revolting." I lied. I had actually invisioned that same possibility last period when the math teacher was trying to explain something to the whole class that I already knew how to do. Alicia giggled.
"You liar." She said, continuing to laugh. Uh-oh, she saw through me. "You want him. Right here and now." I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"Uh-huh, oh yeah baby." I smiled.
After school was finally over, I guess that you could say that I had a descent day. I was at my locker, getting ready to slam it shut, and head over to Alicia's locker. She invited me to come over to her house after school and I accepted, knowing that my parents wouldn't care.
"Hey Beth." I heard someone say from behind me. A pit formed in the bottom of my stomach as I turned around to face the other person. I knew that it was going to be Taylor.
"I kinda need to talk to you." He said, looking somewhat nervous.
"About what? Wait, you know, I don't even want to hear what you have to say. As far as I'm concerned, you have already said everything you ever need to say to me ever again three years ago." I said, feeling the tears build up in my eyes. God, the feeling hurt so much. When will it ever go away?
"Beth, just listen to me." He said, sounding desperate to keep my attention. I ignored him, shut my locker and turned to leave. He grabbed my wrist and spun me around. I pulled my hand from his. I didn't even want him to touch me. "Dammit Beth, can't you see that I'm sorry?"
I looked up from the floor and into his eyes. Nope, his eyes haven't changed. They were still the same blue that used to make me melt every time they made contact with mine. His eyes, they were pleading with me, trying to make me understand what he was attempting to say. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They rolled down my cheeks to effortlessly. As soon as Taylor saw my tears, it looked like he wanted to hold me in his arms and kiss them away. His own began to tear up. I wiped my cheeks with my fingers, turned and hurried to Alicia's locker, not looking back. Not even when I heard the swift pounding of a fist and the metal lockers.
* * * * * *
When I saw the tears rolling down her cheeks, I felt so bad. I wanted to hold her and tell her that I was sorry. To tell her how much that I really loved her. She looked so helpless when she cried. Tears even formed in my own eyes. Then she turned and quickly left me. Left me for the third time. Left me feeling totally rotten and hurt. I had so much anger built up inside. I had been such an idiot! I punched the locker with my fist, and I didn't feel any pain. But I did feel hated by someone that I had such strong feelings for.
Isaac saw me punch the locker and he looked timid to approach me. "Everything okay, Tay?" he asked cautiously. I looked up, said nothing, then just walked away. I knew that he knew what was going on. This was all my fault. God, I was SO stupid!! He caught up beside me and stopped me. "What's wrong with you?"
"I'm fine." I said quietly, then looked at my hand for the first time after I hit the locker. The knuckles were already turning white. Already past the red phase, they were white, soon to be black and blue.
"You're not getting off this easily. You'll explain sooner or later."
Isaac was right, I would explain. And I was explaining later that same day. We were both sitting on my bunk bed, our usual talking place about everything, He sat there, and listened intently as I explained everything.
"Well, Tay. I hate to say it, but I can see where she's coming from. Especially after what happened."
"You think that I don't already know that? It's the last thing on the earth that I would want to happen, but it did. She won't even look at me, let alone talk to me. She hates me." I said, the words stinging my heart with every syllable.
"There's nothing that you can do about the past. Tay, you made a huge mistake, there's no doubt about it. And as much as I want to tell you that everything's going to be OK, that she's going to forgive you, I can't. Even if she does forgive you, it's not going to be a day in the park getting there. You just have to remember how crucial that night must have been for Beth." He said. Ugh, he wasn't helping as much as I wanted him to be.
"To be truthful Ike, that's not really what I want to hear." I said, leaning back against the head of the bed.
"What do you want me to say? If you want me to say 'Oh, Beth will forgive you and forget about everything' then I would be lying. Honestly, I don't think that she's ever gonna forgive you, no matter how many times you say that you're sorry. You went to far last time, Tay. It's your own fault that this all is happening.
I sighed, and I knew that it all was my fault. And I hated myself for it.
* * * * * *
I had the dream again last night. Yesterday brought back too many feelings and memories. I knew the first day was going to be difficult, but I didn't think that it would be as bad as it was. The last time I had the dream was when I found out that we were moving back to Tulsa, about two months ago.
I know that I still shouldn't be dawdling over this, but I can't help it. I had loved Taylor so much, so so much. And I thought that he loved me too. My mom even did the whole "told-ya-so" deal on me. She told me that I was stupid to say that I loved someone when I was only 13 years old, but some times you can't control who you do and don't love.
I blinked back the tears that have been occupying my eyes lately. The thoughts just came pouring back into my mind, and I had no control over them. I couldn't stop the memories. Oh Taylor, why did you do that to me? I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve any of it.
We were both 13 years old, only I was two months older that Tay. Our parents were really close friends. Our dads even worked in the same branch of the same oil company. So, we spent a lot of time together. It wasn't much of a secret that we liked each other. After all, Zac had caught us kissing in the treehouse, and ran yelling into the house, "Beth and Tay, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…"
We liked each other for such a long time, we spent all of our time together, talked on the phone, emailed each other, and were literally inseparable. We were so close, both emotionally and physically, that it was almost scary how well we clicked together. We never argued about anything, never had any disaggrements. We even imagined newspaper headlines claiming us to elope and our marriage.
I remembered the first time that we kissed perfectly. We were in the treehouse, talking about how much fun that day had been at the water park. It was so weird. There was an incredibly akward silence, then we leaned toward each other at the same exact time and our lips touched. Then we both pulled apart, sorta in shock that we had just kissed. We both smiled, and kissed again, and that's when Zac caught us. On our second kiss.
For such a long time, the treehouse is where we would go, to talk, to be alone and just to escape the realities of the rest of the world. I guess that you could all it our 'special place', even though it was his brothers too, we spent a lot of time there.
Then 'it' happened. Well, not all at once, but the first time that Taylor said that he thought that he loved me, I started crying. Not sad-pain-feeling-crying, but it was the I'm-so-happy crying. I told him that I loved him too. Then we started talking about sex. Well, not really talking about it, but we were talking about it using metaphors. It sounded really weird, but we said that we were both ready for it and that we wanted to do it, right then and there. But, we didn't have anything, and I was on my period.
I promised to Taylor that I would always love him forever. He swore to me that we would always be together, never break up, and that as soon as we were both 18, we were going to get married. It was only five short years away, and we both believed it.
Now its time for 'it' to happen. I was going to surprise Taylor. I was going over to his house and I had a plan that we were going to do it. I was ready and prepared. I didn't call before I went over, I wanted to surprise him. I went directly to the treehouse. I climbed up the rope and as I peaked my head through the hole in the floor, I saw Taylor and Jenn Limway, in our special spot, kissing. I was in shock, disbelief and was crushed. How could he do this to me? Taylor. We were going to get married. He told me he loved me, and I told him that I loved him, too.
"Taylor, what are you doing?" I asked. For the first time, he noticed I was there. He looked confused, down at Jenn, then at me. "I thought you loved me."
The tears were already falling from my eyes, making small wet spots on the wooden floor. He didn't say anything. I think that he was in too much shock to say anything.
"I thought you loved me." I said, climbing back down the ladder. I heard him call my name as I reached the ground. The treehouse wasn't very high up and I saw him jump down to the ground. He pulled on my arm, but I only shrugged him off. The tears were streaking down my face, and I couldn't stop them.
"Beth, things change. Don't get me wrong, you're really nice, pretty and fun to hang out with, we're done. It was fun while it lasted." He said.
"But, you said you loved me and would always love me." I said in protest. This couldn't be happening.
"I did. But my feelings were totally gone when I woke up this morning. I can't explain it, Beth, its just gone." He said, shrugging his shoulders. I could tell that he wasn't telling me something. He was keeping something a secret. We had something so special. It couldn't be gone like that, not that fast. It was impossible. I pulled the ring off my finger that he had given me when we talked about getting married. When I took it off, I saw the tears in his own eyes. I knew it, he still loved me. He always would.
"Beth, don't do this…I love you." Taylor said.
"Tay, you know I love you, too, and I will forgive you, only if you come with me instead of going back up in the treehouse." I said. I was expecting him to come right to my side as soon as the words came from my lips. But he didn't. He looked back at the treehouse, then back to me. My lip began to tremble again.
"That's what I thought. I was coming over here to tell you that we were moving. Dad got a transfer in the company and we have to move. I wanted to spend some special time alone with you. Taylor, I loved you, but you betrayed me." I said. Once again, I saw his tears swell up in the brim of his eyes. His bottom lip quivered. I threw the ring at his chest, it bounced off, and he unsuspectedly caught it. "Good bye Tay."
Then I walked away. No, I didn't walk, I ran. I didn't think that I would ever stop crying, or the hurting pain would go away. And it hurt even more when he didn't run after me.